What is the cut off?

So, I have been raised as a church goer and I believe in God. I have always been told that he doesn't give you any more than you can handle and he is there to help you through the rough spots, and I agree with this. BUT, part of my is wondering right now, how much do I have to handle before I get what I want?

I see my sister almost every day, and she is pregnant. She didn't want it, she isn't ready for it, and technically, she is in way over her head, but she got it. Not saying that she wanted it, because I know with the circumstances, she didn't. So, why give it to her? When there are people out there that have been trying longer than Moe and I and still can't have a baby, why does someone in such a poor spot get to have two?

Sometimes life makes no sense. I sit here tonight and I wonder about a lot of things. I read a lot of books, and in my books there is always that one person who takes the lead and is the 'strong' one in the family, and i think in our family that would come down to me.

I am so very depressed right now that I am not pregnant and Caitlin is, but I put it behind me and move ahead. Caitlin doesn't need to see me upset because she got what i wanted. That isn't good for her, so I stash it inside and wait until I am alone to have my cry.

When my brother died, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until my body was withered and dry, but I didn't. There was a funeral to plan and I needed to be there to help support my mother and Caitlin. I had to be strong for them. They didn't have the strength to get through that traumatic time in our life alone, so again, I stifled my emotions to be the guiding light for them. I still am, with planning our Memorial Day get togethers, and such. I know that it is my job to keep my family a solid unit, becasue that is all that we have right now.

So, I sit here and wonder, when do I get what I want? I believe that I have put a lot on hold, or hidden a lot, to make sure that my family is the happiest that can be, and I have been doing this for years. So, all I am asking for in return is the one thing that I have been praying for for years. I want a miracle. I know that is a lot to ask, but HE can move mountains, so why not a baby?

Praying every day........